This Blog is Shutting Down

Someone left me a comment that I rejected for publication on this blog. The comment, to me, was quite insensitive, and started with "Instead of mourning the children you have lost....." You can see how that might not gel with me too well right now. I am allowed to mourn the children I have lost. I haven't been through the grief process fully. I am not able to go through the grief process without getting my feelings out. This blog was very therapeutic for me, and I will miss it, BUT, I am able to journal (on paper) in the privacy of my own home without other people making judgements about who I am, and how I should act. The babies that I carried were mine, and I loved them. They were born into heaven. I miss them. I will miss this blog - but I WILL NOT subject myself to the scrutiny of others who probably have NO IDEA what it is like to feel the pain of infertility or the loss of babies. This blog is over. If you want to e-mail me, you may use this address: kpwhitley@gmail.com

God bless you all.

~Kris~

2 More Days Until Ultrasound

Hey everyone,

There are two more days to go until I have to go for the follicle check ultrasound on Friday morning. I don't expect that my follicles will be mature by then, because it will only be Day 10, and follicles are not usually mature until AT LEAST Day 12. So, I am thinking that the doctor will ask me to inject myself on Sunday (Day 12) and that me and Jim will have to go in on Monday, March 17th for the actual IUI. That being said, I could always be wrong. The opposite could happen. I could go in on Friday and my follicles are mature by some miracle, and the RE sets up an IUI for the following morning (Sat. March 15th). At this point, it's all up in the air. Everything hinges on the ultrasound results this Friday.

I finished taking the stims (drugs to induce ovulation) a couple of days ago. They have made me moody, irritable, tired, depressed, and nauseated. Soon after the IUI procedure, I will be put on progesterone, which mimics pregnancy symptoms in every way. I wouldn't mind if the symptoms were really caused by pregnancy, but there is no way to tell until the dreaded "2ww" or, "two week wait" is over.

I was very hopeful last cycle. I am not hopeful anymore. I don't understand how it is possible for 58 million sperm to miss two mature eggs. It doesn't make any sense to me. But, that being said, our RE did tell us that most couples go through an average of 3 - 4 IUI procedures before they are successful in getting pregnant. I hope that we get pregnant sooner than that. I don't want to find out what will happen to my psyche if we fail four times in a row. After four times, the doctor recommends IVF for infertile couples, and that costs $18,000. We don't have that kind of money, and it would be spent on a 50% chance of getting pregnant. The IUIs that we are doing now cost $1500 a piece, and they have a 15 - 17% chance of working each time. Normal, healthy fertile couples have a 20% chance of becoming pregnant during any given month. Without treatment, Jim and I have a LESS THAN 5% chance of becoming pregnant on our own.

I am having a lot of "bad days" emotionally these days. The hormones are making me crazy, and I am still mourning the children I have lost. I am stuck in the past, and scared for the future. It will crush me if we cannot conceive within the next three IUIs. I don't know what I will do.

~Kris~

ROUND 2

I had an appointment with my RE today. I had to have an ultrasound check of my ovaries to make sure that there are no lingering cysts from the previous cycle. I didn't have to have an ultrasound last month, because I had not been on fertility medicines in my previous cycles, and the fertility medications are what can cause the cysts to occur. The extra ultrasound adds an extra $415 to the already weighty price of the IUI process.

The doctor found my ovaries to be clear of all cysts. She said that I am "good to go" for ROUND 2 of IUI. So, here's the schedule, as best as I can tell:

Friday, March 14th = 9:30 AM Follicle Check

(Somewhere between) Saturday, March 15th - Monday, March 17th = IUI procedure

(Peg, if you're reading this, we MAY not be able to go with you to Milledgeville if the IUI happens on the 15th. I'll keep you posted.)

Home Pregnancy Test Allowed, According to our RE = Tuesday, April 8th

Home Pregnancy Test Allowed, According to ME = Tuesday, April 1st!!!! HA HA HA HA!

On a more personal note, I am REALLY rooting for this month to be our month, because if we have to delve into May, then we will be treading on the time that I was pregnant with Katie last year, and I REALLY don't want to be going through IUI and missing my angel Katie at the same time. Anniversaries of losses are really hard, and I don't want to have to go through that without Baby D "on board". You see, women who have experienced miscarriages have two dates solidified in their minds forever - the date that they miscarried, AND the date that their child WOULD have been born. Women who have had miscarriages hope like mad that they are able to conceive prior to the date that their baby would have been due. If, for whatever reason, they are unable to attain that goal, then the next goal is to be pregnant by the time that the child was miscarried. Katie was born into heaven on May 26, 2007. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be pregnant by then. I am HOPING and PRAYING that THIS will be IT.

Please, please, please, please PRAY!!!!!!!

~Kris~

Overwhelming Grief

I am having a really difficult time today. I have wanted to cry so many times throughout the day. It is really hard to work around 14 very lovely growing baby bumps. My co-worker came in today in her first maternity outfit. Everyone noticed today that she is starting to show. I was forced to hear over and over, "Wow, you've really popped out now, haven't you?", in reference to her small 16 week baby bump. I wanted to flee. I wanted to run out of the building. It's too bad that I could get fired over such an offense.

All day today, people casually asked me, "How are you doing?" I kept thinking, "They don't REALLY want to know." It reminded me of when I miscarried Katie. People harmlessly would ask me that question, and I would burst into tears. I wanted to say, "I have just lost my daughter", but I was powerless to say anything. Most of them wouldn't even consider a 7 week old fetus a "daughter", but I did. She is still my daughter, and she is waiting for me to hold her in heaven. She is perfect there - a true angel.

I miss my Katie. I miss all the babies I have lost. Katie would have been 8 weeks old this week. I would still be on maternity leave with her. I would be at home, nursing, feeding, clothing, and loving my precious girl. Instead, I am suffering worse than I have ever suffered in my life. The pain of the past year has been harder for me than the worst thing that has happened to me in my life thus far - the death of my own Dad. And even that event only happened 2 1/2 years ago. I feel like I am cursed. It's much worse than that, actually. I feel like I am not a "real" woman. I can't do the thing that nature intended for me to do - reproduce. And I know that it is not Jim's fault - it is only because of me that we are unable to conceive. I feel like a complete loser. I am broken.

I just want to quit hurting. The constant turmoil and constant hope that comes with trying to conceive over and over again is more than I can take. And yet, we're doing it again. If only I were in my 20s - I could stop for a while - take a break. But no, I had to be in my 30s - and the doctors are convinced that I only have 2 more "good years" left in me before I spiral into the world of "Advanced Maternal Age". Two years. That's LESS time than we have been trying to have a baby. I wonder if we will make it...

Some people have been telling me to stop trying. Some people have been saying to me that "God will allow you to have a child in HIS time." That's so easy for people to say. It is so SIMPLE for someone to look at me and say, "It will happen in God's own time". If you know me, and you are reading this, then please NEVER say that to me. God may have His own time, but I am not with God. I don't know what God's time is. Do you?

I don't think that I can possibly feel lower than I feel right now. I know that I will eventually come out of this funk, but I also know that I may not come out of this funk with a baby in my arms. I may never get there. I might not ever have a "Baby D". It may not happen. Just the thought of not ever seeing "Baby D" is so overwhelming that I have to stop and wait for the tears to subside. I don't understand why Jim and I have to go through all of this for the chance to conceive a child. It just isn't fair.

~Kris~

No "Baby D" This Time

I am stunned. I didn't even get a chance to test. :-(

Jim is unable to talk about it. He had such high hopes. I had hope, but, after seeing so many negative tests over the course of 3 1/2 years, I had grown accustomed to the disappointment. This really hurts. We have wasted our time and our money - and we have to do it all over again in just a few days. Tomorrow will be considered "Cycle Day 1" for me. I will have to take more Femara on Cycle Days 3-7. We will have an u/s scheduled for March 15th. March 15th is a Saturday, so, they may want to see me on the 14th, I'm not sure yet. I'll have to call the doctor tomorrow and ask. I have to get all of my other drugs refilled. Since our next IUI would likely fall on a weekend, I am not sure what the doctor is going to recommend. My feeling is that they will have us come in on the weekend, but I don't know for sure just yet.

Why can't we just be normal?

Why can't we just get pregnant like everyone else?

Why couldn't this have worked on our first try?

Why do we have to continually experience this pain of infertility over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?????

WHY???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Petrified......and not liking it.

I think that I am seriously losing my ability to keep worry out of the picture right now. My poor, poor Lenten offering is going up in smoke. (Sigh.) I am a little worried. I don't know if it is the progesterone (hormone) that I am on or not, but I am having a very hard time focusing on positive things. I keep thinking, "What if this IUI doesn't work?" instead of "What if this IUI DOES work"? I am feeling a little sorry for myself and somewhat bitter. I suppose that it is a really good thing that I am going on a Christian womens' retreat this weekend. Maybe that will give me some time to spend with God, and especially, ask forgiveness for all of this worrying that I have been doing. My Type A personality just does NOT like relinquishing control - and that is EXACTLY what you have to do in order to truly follow Christ - "let go, and let God". UGH. That is so hard, but Christ never said that following Him would be easy. He only promised us that if we follow Him, that we will never die. That's a pretty good deal, I'd say. So, I am praying for God to help me give Him back the control, because I am not strong enough to handle all of these emotions, with or without added hormones coursing through my veins.

SIX more days until I test. Lord, be with us. We're not supposed to test at all, per our doctor's orders. If it is negative, I will let y'all know, but, it could be a false negative. I'm not technically supposed to test until at least the 10th, and my blood test isn't scheduled until the 14th. So, I may be setting myself up for serious disappointment by testing too early.

If the home test is positive, I won't say so. You can either take a hint, or you can e-mail me or call me if you want to know. I will tell you in person, but I'm not going to write it here. I feel like I don't want people to know if I am pregnant, because we lost our precious "Katie" after only 7 weeks, and EVERYONE knew that we were pregnant then. The pain of having to tell EVERY single person in our lives that our miracle baby had gone on to be with Jesus was more than I could stand. It was especially difficult to tell our parents. I don't want to go through that pain again. I'd rather wait until I am over the first trimester, and then tell people. Heck, I'd love to wait until I am delivering in the hospital before I tell people, but I know that that isn't really feesible. (Smiles.) I won't KEEP it from anyone who ASKS, but I will keep it from this blog. If I am pregnant, you will notice very quickly that I will stop posting here for at least 12 weeks. (That's hard not to notice.)

If you want to pray for something, please pray that if Baby D is "here" right now, that he/she is safe and snug inside of me, with no chromosomal problems. Then, if you have a chance, please add a prayer that the PCOS that I have will not cause us to miscarry like it caused us to miscarry "Katie". People with PCOS have a 30% chance of miscarriage - that is 10% higher than the average. There is no way to prevent the miscarriages, and the doctors don't know why women with PCOS have a higher rate of miscarriage. My chances of conceiving are actually LOWER than my chances of miscarrying once I conceive. (YIKES!!!!!) I am on two drugs, "Prometrium" and "Metformin", both of which are said to help with the prevention of miscarriage, but it is not PROVEN. I am hoping that I will not have to walk down the miscarriage road again - it is not something that I think that I could handle emotionally, and the physical pain is not something that I want to endure again in this lifetime. If I do happen to experience a miscarriage, I will be blogging about that here.

Please pray for us. I have gotten to a point of anxiousness that I didn't think that I would allow myself to go - this has been stressful. I am so jealous of people who can just conceive on their own, with no problems or effort. It doesn't make sense to me why people who would be good parents can't just BE parents when they WANT to be parents. Instead, it is all about God's timing. He knows what's best, even when we don't. Come on, God, give me and Jim a break - please?

A Prayer for Baby D

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for all of the blessings that we have received so far in our journey through infertility. Thank you placing Georgia Reproductive Specialists in our pathway. Thank you for the opportunity that we have had to complete our first IUI. Thank you for providing the money for our first infertility procedure.

We know that you never promised us a child. We know that children are a gift from you. We don't expect you to grant us the joy of a new baby if it is not within Your will, but, we do humbly ask You for a child in Jesus's name. We would very much like to have a baby so that we can teach him/her about You and all of the wonders of Your creation. We will try to be understanding if having a baby is not in Your plan for us. We ask that if You don't desire us to have a child, that You would take the desire from our hearts, Lord, so that we will be able to focus our time and money in other directions.

If there really is a "Baby D" up there, God, we ask that you send Him/Her down to us, because we feel that we are ready to hold him/her on this side of heaven. Please say "Hi" to Dad, Baby Katie, Grandma & Grandpa, and Amanda for us. Give them hugs for us. We miss all of them so much! Tell Dad not to hog Baby D if he/she is up there. We want a turn, too! :-P

We ask that you be with our doctors and help them to give us the best treatment possible.

We ask these things in the name of the one who WAS, and IS, and IS TO COME...

Amen.

Baby on Board?

Well, we had our IUI done this morning. I had anticipated a lot of pain, but, much to my surprise, it was fairly painless. Jim's counts were five times higher than "average", and his motility was 96%, which is much better than average. The doctor even made a comment about how they look for counts in the 10 million range, and Jim's count was 58 million. Hopefully, Jim's numbers combined with my good-looking follicles from yesterday will equal a screaming bundle of joy in nine months.(Please, God!)

Jim and I were amazed that the IUI procedure took very little time. The doctor was trying to be very casual about the whole process, which was funny in itself. I don't think that I will ever forget that our doctor was sitting there chatting up a storm about how Brad Pitt, although easy on the eyes, is incredibly dense. She was trying to lighten the mood, I suppose, but - BRAD PITT?? Hopefully, Baby D will not have to know that he/she was (potentially) conceived while I was thinking about a man other than his/her father. (Sigh. Wink-wink.)

After the doctor left the room, I had to lay down on the table for a WHOLE ten minutes. The doctor said that laying down at all was not necessary, but at their practice, they have a "10 minute" ritual of laying down after an IUI. HA! They even had a little egg timer that had a SPERM as the time indicator. Jim and I got a big laugh out of that. We were told to leave when the "sperm timer" went off. Hilarious. The process took all of 20 minutes - that's $55.00 a minute, for those of you who are keeping track! (WOW.)

Perhaps the most disappointing thing about the appointment was finding out that I will not be scheduled for a pregnancy test. As a matter of fact, they don't even want me to take a home pregnancy test, because I had a shot of HcG yesterday to induce ovulation, and HcG can cause a false positive on a home pregnancy test. So, I just have to wait indefinitely. The doctor did pencil me in for a blood test on March 14th, so we will know for SURE by then if we are or aren't pregnant. But, as the receptionist said, "You will know before then anyway." So, there ya go. I am helpless to take a test, and I have to sit and wait for 24 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is THE day!!!!!

I went in for my ultrasound this morning to check the size of my follicles. The RE said that mature follicles are anywhere between 16 mm - 24 mm. I had one follicle on my right ovary that was 21.24 mm. I had one follicle on my left ovary that was 15.94 mm.

Both follicles were considered mature, and the doctor gave me a shot of HcG to induce ovulation. She said that the shot would take effect within 24 - 36 hours. Our IUI is scheduled exactly 24 hours after the shot was given, at 10:20 AM EST.

I am so nervous. I am hoping that the follicle that is barely big enough to be considered mature will contain a mature egg. If that is the case, then we will have TWO eggs that are potential "Baby Ds" instead of just one. It would be really nice to know that we have "double" the chances for this procedure to work!

I took the morning off of work tomorrow. I am really excited about the prospect of this working. I will be so devastated if it doesn't work, but I know that we will try at least three more attempts if this one fails. I am trying not to think about that, though. I am trying to just stay really positive and think that I am going to be pregnant very soon! If we did get pregnant from this IUI, then our approximate due date would be November 14, 2008! (A Thanksgiving baby!)

Please pray that our IUI will work. Please pray for a Thanksgiving miracle!

~Kris~

Day 4 of Femara.....and a DOG!

I am on Day 4 of taking Femara. Today, I woke up with a HUGE headache. I took a decongestant and 2 Extra Strength Tylenol - they didn't touch the pain. I took an Aleve - NOTHING. I took another Aleve a few hours later, and I am starting to be able to think again, FINALLY. I have been nauseated, and did NOT want to eat breakfast AT ALL, but I had to eat so that I could take my Metformin. I just knew that I was going to lose breakfast before my first class walked through the door, but, thankfully, I didn't.

Today at work, two more women announced their pregnancies. That brings our school pregancy count up to 14 women. FOURTEEN! I am not sure whether to feel thankful that there is "something in our water", or terrified that now that there are 14 pregnant women here that, statistically, I might not get to be #15. It bothers me that there are so many women here that have beautiful, swelling bellies. Seeing the evidence of miracles all around me makes me wonder, "Will that ever be me?" Will people be talking a few months from from now about how crazy it is that there are 15 teachers pregnant at my school? I wonder....

Because we have wanted a baby for so long, Jim and I decided this weekend to adopt a dog. A dog is nothing like a baby, but it sure can lift your spirits! We were walking in Discover Mills Mall on Sunday, and we realized that there was a barking racket coming from around the corner. As we turned, we saw a shop with a sign that said, "Gwinnett County Humane Society". As we walked into the store, we saw all kinds of dogs and cats. One puppy had just been released from its cage into the loving arms of its new owner, and all of the other dogs were yelping for their freedom from behind the confines of their crates. I was not looking to adopt a dog by walking into the store, I just happen to love animals, and wanted to say "hello" to the cutie-pies. We have four cats at home, after all. At first, I was looking at a beagle, but, when I heard him hollering after the puppy, I said to myself, "Ummmmm....NO!" He was SO loud!

Then, Jim saw the piercing light blue eyes of an Alaskan Husky/Shepherd mix peering at him from behind the bars of his crate. The tag on the crate said, "Murphy", and "3years old". His eyes were so light that the irises appeared WHITE. He was exactly the kind of dog that Jim has always been attracted to. Jim looked up at me with pleading eyes. I said, "Ask the lady behind the counter if there is any other information about him." Indeed, there was. "Murphy" had been owned by a Hispanic family with 5 children. He was loved, but was not well-attended. He continually escaped from his former owner's home, and was given over to the Humane Society. Next, he lived with a man for about 5 months. The man liked Murphy, but he said that Murphy "had too much energy". The Humane Society worker explained that Murphy simply wasn't the dog for this man because the man did not have a fenced backyard. Murphy HAS to run. Once he gets out the bulk of his energy, he is a great dog inside. I can't imagine what he'd be like inside if he wasn't able to run freely in a backyard everyday!

We signed some paperwork and took Murphy outside of the mall with his foster Mom. She told us all about him and his habits. We spent time playing with him. Murphy's foster Mom made arrangements to bring Murphy over to our house the next day so that we would have some of Murphy's personal affects, and so that we'd have a day to get ready for him. Also, she wanted to see how our four cats would respond to Murphy.

Murphy arrived on Sunday evening. His foster Mom brought a huge container of food for him, several bags of dog treats, all of Murphy's favorite toys, his dog tags, and the paperwork that we needed to fill out in order to adopt him. We played with Murphy both inside the house and outside the house. He was SO excited! He ran everywhere, and couldn't stop panting for the longest time. At first, I was so afraid that he was going to be that hyper forever, but, after a day in our home, he has settled down quite a bit. (Thank goodness!)

We never saw him react to the cats - they went into hiding, and would not come out. We have since put up a baby gate in our hallway so that the cats will be free to walk up and down the steps to their food and water without the fear of the dog being there. They haven't figured out that the gate makes them safe. I am hoping that they will figure this out very soon! Poor kitties. We still bring them up to sleep on our bed at night. We are trying really hard to make this as normal a situation for them as possible. (Like having a dog is normal to them - NOT.)It is an adjustment, and I am sure that with time, they will be able to find a way to cope with life in our home with an energetic dog.

I love having a dog. I am not a dog person, but there are definite benefits to owning a dog. The thing that I like most about owning a dog is that dogs are needy. They need you to go out and play with them. They need you to give them attention. They thrive on pleasing their owner. They come when you call them, and are there for you whenever you need them - they love you no matter what! I didn't think that I needed a dog until I got a dog!

The bad things about owning a dog are that sister's hubby will probably not be able to come over anymore, because he is allergic to dogs. I didn't think about this aspect of owning a dog until after we had the dog. Many people are allergic to dogs. There are probably lots of people that we really like who will not be able to come over anymore. The only other bad thing about owning a dog is that you can't leave a dog unattended for a long time. We can't leave at 8:00 AM in the morning and then be able to return at 1:00 AM. Those days are gone. I don't think that we will be able to take any more day trips that don't include Murphy, or, at least require a dog-sitter. Trying to stay overnight anywhere will become a serious issue. I hadn't realized how often we go out and stay out late!

A new dog owner,
~Kris~

Thoughts after 3 days of Femara

Hello everyone!

I am on my third day of the ovulation-stimulating drug called Femara. After three days, I have noticed the following things:

1. I am dizzy.

2. I get hungry more quickly than I did before, and my blood sugar drops faster.

3. My ovaries are in a constant state of "twitch". I can feel something going on in the areas where my ovaries are. It isn't really painful, or even annoying, it is just "there".

I called the pharmacist today because I suspected that my doctor called in a prescription for Prometrium. She had. I will go pick it up today. Prometrium is progesterone. Progesterone has been controversial in the "prevention" of miscarriages. Some doctors do not believe that taking Prometrium after conception will have any effect on whether or not a woman will miscarry. My doctor is one of those. I begged for this Prometrium - I told my doctor that it was necessary for my mental health. She relented from her stance that it doesn't make any difference and called-in the prescription. (She didn't tell me that she was going to do this - I just guessed. That's why I called the pharmacist. I was REALLY happy to hear that it was there! YAY!)

This afternoon I received my needle kit and HcG. Opening the box was so daunting. I looked at all of the packaging and just blinked and blinked. Inside the FedEx box, there was a biohazard container, syringes, needles, the human growth hormone (HcG), alcohol swabs, gauze with tape, and a leaflet on how to dispose of needles properly. For a fee of $25 my doctor said that I can come in and have the nurse do the injection for me. That $25 is looking better and better to me! All of these bottles and needles look SOOOO confusing!!!!!

My follicle-check ultrasound is a week from today. Our IUI is likely about 8 - 11 days away. Everything hinges on whether or not this Femara is doing its job. By the feel of my ovaries, I'd say that it's definitely doing SOMETHING. I hope that it is doing what it is supposed to be doing!

Please continue to send prayers to our Lord that Jim and I will only have to go through this process ONCE. It is both financially and emotionally draining. I would really appreciate your continued prayers! Please pray that we will conceive a healthy baby that will be born at term, and with no complications! Thank you!!!

~Kris~

Our First Treatment Protocol

Hi everyone!

Today, I went to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to have some bloodwork drawn. The test will measure my FSH, or Follicle Stimulating Hormone. In layman's teminology, the doctor will better be able to tell if I have a higher or lower number of eggs left in my ovaries. I am not sure when I will find out the results of the test, but the nurse said that she'd call me with the results. I did find out that my blood type is AB+. (I never knew that before!)

Starting tomorrow, 2/9/08, I will be taking a fertility medicine called Letrozole. My pharmacy gave me the generic form of the drug, which is called Femara. I have to take two pills a day in addition to the two pills a day I take of Metformin (the generic form of Glucophage.) The Metformin regulates my insulin resistance, and helps my metabolism to break down sugar effectively. The Femara will cause my ovaries to produce follicles, which will eventually produce eggs.

On February 18th, after the Femara has had time to work, I will go in at 10:00 AM for an ultrasound to check the follicles on my ovaries. The follicles are little sacs of fluid that surround an egg. If there are any follicles on my ovaries on the 18th, the doctor will measure them and see whether or not they are "mature". If the follicle(s) is/are mature on the 18th, then the doctor will show me how to inject myself with a pregnancy hormone called HcG (human growth hormone). The HcG will tell the follicle(s) on my ovaries to release their egg(s), and then, the following day, Jim and I will go into the office for our IUI procedure. We won't know the exact date of our IUI until after the ultrasound is completed on the 18th. If the follicles are immature, we will have to wait a while until the follicles have had a chance to get bigger.

Right now, I am trying not to think about how much effort this whole process takes. I am trying to think about taking my medications on time, because, if the pills are not taken EACH DAY at the SAME TIME, then the Femara may not produce follicles effectively. (So much hinges on my consistency with taking medicines!) It's a little bit of pressure, but I can handle it.

Jim and I are praying every day for a healthy, full-term, non-eventful pregnancy. We hope that it only takes ONE treatment to conceive "Baby D", but we have heard that the average number of attempts that this treatment takes is four. I hope that we are one of the lucky ones who gets a miracle on the first try!! (Please, God!)

Please join us in our prayers.

Love in Christ,

~Kris~

"What are YOU giving up for Lent?"

A Christian friend of mine asked me today, "So, what are YOU giving up for Lent?"

Before I reveal to you what I told her, I think that a small definition of "Lent" is required for the non-Christians and new Christians that may be reading this blog:

LENT

Lent, in most Christian denominations, is the forty-day liturgical season of fasting and prayer before Easter. The forty days represent the time Jesus spent in the desert, where, according to the Bible, he endured (and resisted) temptation by Satan. Different churches will calculate the forty days differently.

The purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer in Christ through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial. Lent is the precursor to the annual commemoration of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, as celebrated during Holy Week, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

In Western Christianity, Lent lasts from Ash Wednesday until Easter Saturday. (Today, February 6th, is "Ash Wednesday".) The six Sundays in Lent are not counted among the forty days because each Sunday represents a "mini-Easter", a celebration of Jesus' victory over sin and death.

(Modified in part from Wikipedia)

So, getting back to my friend's question: "Kristina, what are YOU giving up for Lent?"

I thought about this for a LONG time. It would be easy for me to give up something like chocolate, ice cream, T.V., or sodas.(These are the common examples of things that most people try to expel from their lives during Lent. Jim gave up chocolate.) The point of Lent is to make a sacrifice that reminds you of the pain that Jesus experienced in dying to give all of us the gift of eternal life. Something that a Christian gives up for Lent should be a constant reminder of the internal struggle that Jesus felt when he knew that he must endure extreme pain and torture in order to set the entire world free from sin. (If a person prays for Jesus Christ to be their Lord and Savior, follows God's commandments, and lives a life according to Christ's teachings, then their soul will never die, but will live forever in heaven.)

I thought about what would be the HARDEST possible thing for me to give up. And then, it came to me....

I replied to my friend, "I am going to try REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hard to give up worrying about trying to have a baby. There is NOTHING that I can accomplish by worrying, so I am going to spend MORE time in prayer and HOPEFULLY, God will give me peace in my ttc (trying to concieve) journey. I don't want anything that He doesn't want for me, and I am tired of dwelling on what I want. This isn't about me anymore, it is about God. I want to glorify Him in everything that I do, and I cannot do that if I am moping around feeling sorry for myself. If God allows my body to conceive and carry a baby, then, GREAT! If not, then, GREAT! I need to learn how to love and appreciate the blessings in my life that are already there. It is too easy to say that I don't have what I want, and not easy enough to be thankful for the things that I do have. For Lent, I choose to be grateful."

My friend gave me a big hug and told me that it was very brave of me to try and "let go" of my worries. I told her that she should pray that I DO give up worrying. It will be a sacrifice for me that will be extremely difficult. I know that I cannot do it alone - I am going to need the strength of God to help me. I am planning to spend more time in prayer (in the true spirit of Lent). I am going to ask even more people to pray for me. I need everyone reading this to pray for me to be able to let go of my worry and let God do what He intends to do. I need peace for whatever outcomes lie ahead, and I need to relinquish the idea that I can control our ttc. Honestly, I can help things by seeing a specialist, but God is the ultimate healer. If I am going to conceive a baby, it will be because He wants it, not me. I need to learn how to be happy in my life NOW, and not live in the future. No one knows what the future will hold. I have NO idea if all of these fertility treatments will be futile or not - but I do know that God is bigger than any of my fertility problems, and if He wants me to have a baby, then I will have a baby; I can't MAKE miracles happen. Only God can.

I need a miracle. So, y'all, get to praying!!!

~Kris~

Feeling A LOT Better

OH MY GOSH! I have been on such a rollercoaster of emotions this week! I just wanted to share that a lot of people must be praying for us, because I finally have a peace about this IUI process. It is not easy to know that we will have to go through some painful procedures in order to have a 17% chance of conceiving a baby. However, after talking with Jim, I feel that it will be worth all of the inconvenience and discomfort if it works. And, my negative attitude isn't going to help me conceive, so, starting right now, I am going to have to give all of my worries over to God and let Him handle them. I am just not strong enough to worry anymore. So, God, here ya go ------------->(handing infertility over to God). If anyone can do something with my brokeness, I know God can.

Jim said that I shouldn't worry about the pricetag of IUI so much. We have the money right now for our first IUI attempt. Jim says that we may not need more than one attempt. (He is so positive! How does he DO that?!) He says that if we need more attempts, that we can refinance our house or use our tax return money to finance them. I hadn't thought of those ideas before, so, I felt better after talking to him about it. It was really nice to realize that Jim has been thinking about our future, and the future of Baby D. Because of his thoughtfulness, I couldn't help but love him more today than yesterday - and every day with Jim is like that. He is one amazing man who really takes care of me. (Happy tears.)

To everyone who has been praying for us, THANK YOU. Please continue to do so. Major fertility treatments are not an easy path to take, and we appreciate each and every one of your prayers.

Love,
~Kris~

Feeling Down Today

I don't know why, but I am feeling a little blue today. The hope that I had prior to the RE appointment isn't there anymore. I am discouraged by the price, and I am discouraged by the poor odds of conception. Jim says that I am being "Miss Gloom and Doom". Maybe so. But that's just how I feel right now. I am finding it hard to be positive with so many negatives.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please help me to have a better attitude about our upcoming IUI. Please help me to have hope again. Please help me to be at peace, no matter what happens in the coming months. Work through me, and allow me to be accepting if having a baby is not in your plan for me and Jim. Help me to simply be happy with all of the many blessings that I already have in my life.

In Jesus's Name I Pray,

Amen.

~Kris~

Our First RE Appointment

We met our doctor today. (For more information about our doctor, please see the previous post.)Dr. Conway talked to us for an hour about our case and options for treatment. Basically, she spent the entire first 45 minutes explaining my existing condition and why it impairs my ability to conceive. For Jim, this information was fascinating. For me.....been there, done that.

Dr. Conway explained to us that NORMAL couples have a 20% chance of conceiving during any given month. On average, it takes a healthy couple an average of 6 months to conceive. In cases like ours, where the woman is afflicted with PCOS, the chance of conception is barely 5% during any given month. It would take a couple with PCOS an average of 2 years to become pregnant. However, because women with PCOS rarely ovulate, it is impossible to know when conception would most likely occur. In order to alleviate this problem, the doctor suggested a drug designed to induce ovulation called Letrozole. In addition to this, Dr. Conway told us that our chances would go from 5% to 15% (maybe 20%) if we added an IUI to the protocol. We expected that. She then went into the protocol for IUI:

* Schedule baseline pregnancy test. (Letrozole, by law, cannot be given to patients who are pregnant. To rule out the possibility of pregnancy prior to treatment, a pregnancy test has to be performed.)

*Bloodwork today, and on Cycle Day 3

*Take Letrozole on Cycle Days 3 - 7

*Schedule an ultrasound for Cycle Day 12 (to measure egg follicles and see if the Letrozole is working as planned)

*Learn how to do self-injections (for HcG trigger shot)

*Take HcG (human growth hormone) to trigger ovulation after mature follicles are detected

*Come in on Cycle Day 13 for the actual IUI procedure

*Wait until Cycle Day 35 to take pregnancy test (that's a long 23 days!)

The total cost? $1,029.00!!!! Oh my! Jim and I were not prepared for that figure. Our insurance's website was very misleading. It appeared as though we were going to have 90% coverage of procedures, but that is NOT the case. Nothing is going to be covered by our insurance. In addition, future IUI attempts, should they be needed, would cost $1,441.00 because additional bloodwork and ultrasounds would be required. (So, let's all just pray really hard that we only NEED one attempt!)

At this point, based upon pure conjecture, I would say that Cycle Day 13 would be sometime around February 22nd. With that date set as a conception date, an estimated due date for "Baby D" would be on or around November 14th - a Thanksgiving baby!

Now, we pray, and wait.

~Kris~

Our Doctor

Meet our doctor.....

Susan C. Conway, M.D., M.P.H., M.M.Sc.


Dr. Susan Conway earned her medical degree from Emory University School of Medicine. She also holds a Masters of Public Health in epidemiology and a Masters of Medical Science in clinical microbiology from Emory. Her obstetrics and gynecology residency training was completed at the University of New Mexico Health Sciences Center and she completed a fellowship in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at the Fletcher Allen Health Center at the University of Vermont College of Medicine. During her fellowship, Dr. Conway's research interests included the immunology of endometriosis, early pregnancy loss and ectopic pregnancies.
Before joining Georgia Reproductive Specialists, Dr. Conway practiced at the Center for Fertility and Reproductive Endocrinology at Virginia Mason Medical Center in Seattle and the Center for Reproductive Medicine of New Mexico.
She is a member of both the American Society for Reproductive Medicine and the European Society for Human Reproduction and Embryology, a diplomate of the National Board of Medical Examiners and a fellow of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology. She now focuses primarily in fertility and assisted reproduction.

Here we are....

At last....

After three years of infertility, miscarriages and an adoption loss, we are finally taking the plunge - we have an appointment to see an RE on Monday. What is an RE? RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to admit, it is a little embarrassing to admit that we even need an RE, but, in defense of my husband, it's not his problem, LOL. I have a condition called PCOS, or, PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. I also have other fertility issues which include, but are not limited to: luteal phase defect, low progesterone post-ovulation, and insulin resistance. Do you need to know what those are too? Google. (LOL)

Jim and I are starting a nightly prayer vigil for the child that we hope will become "Baby D". Why "Baby D"? Well, we have always wanted to name a future son after my late father, Dennis. "D" would represent the name "Dennis" if the baby is a boy, and "Denise" if the baby is a girl. However, in the case of a girl, "Denise" would be the girl's middle name, because her first name would be a tribute to my amazing sister, Keren. We'd name a girl "Kerena Denise", which I, for one, think is very unusual and pretty. (And, being a teacher, unusual names are the best - they don't conjure up the mental pictures of any specific students - particularly those endowed with more challenging behaviors!)

Jim practically made me swear on a stack of Bibles that I would not find out the sex of the baby if we become pregnant. That was SOOOO hard for me. I am not a person who is patient, or even likes WAIT. Jim is the polar opposite. He HATES it after all of the presents are opened at Christmas - for him, it's all about the anticipation. It is good that we will have the generic name "Baby D" to use as a nickname for any baby that is conceived in our near future. It will keep all of us from assigning the baby to any specific gender. (Man!)

On Monday, January 28th, Jim and I will visit our new RE, Dr. Conway. We are excited about the visit, and we hope and pray that Dr. Conway will "know her stuff", and will be able to fix my fertility problems with ease. At our initial consultation, we are planning to ask the doctor to start with the protocol for IUI, or IntraUterine Insemination. (Google it. It's WAY TMI for here, LOL. Or, you can read more about IUI here: http://www.ivf.com/iui.html) We have heard of a few couples who have gotten lucky and have had this procedure work on the first try. Oh, how we PRAY that we are one of those lucky couples! But, if not, we know that God is going to provide a child for us in His time. (Did I mention that I HATE WAIT????)

"Dear Heavenly Father,

I pray that you will allow Dr. Conway to be able to fix all of the fertility problems that I have. I pray that if Jim has any undiagnosed problems, that she will be able to correct those problems, too. I pray that you will take good care of "Baby D" until you are ready to trust us with him/her. We humbly ask you for a child that we can love and teach about your ways. Please help us to conceive a baby of our own.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,

AMEN."

~Kris~