Someone left me a comment that I rejected for publication on this blog. The comment, to me, was quite insensitive, and started with "Instead of mourning the children you have lost....." You can see how that might not gel with me too well right now. I am allowed to mourn the children I have lost. I haven't been through the grief process fully. I am not able to go through the grief process without getting my feelings out. This blog was very therapeutic for me, and I will miss it, BUT, I am able to journal (on paper) in the privacy of my own home without other people making judgements about who I am, and how I should act. The babies that I carried were mine, and I loved them. They were born into heaven. I miss them. I will miss this blog - but I WILL NOT subject myself to the scrutiny of others who probably have NO IDEA what it is like to feel the pain of infertility or the loss of babies. This blog is over. If you want to e-mail me, you may use this address: kpwhitley@gmail.com
God bless you all.
~Kris~
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
2 More Days Until Ultrasound
Hey everyone,
There are two more days to go until I have to go for the follicle check ultrasound on Friday morning. I don't expect that my follicles will be mature by then, because it will only be Day 10, and follicles are not usually mature until AT LEAST Day 12. So, I am thinking that the doctor will ask me to inject myself on Sunday (Day 12) and that me and Jim will have to go in on Monday, March 17th for the actual IUI. That being said, I could always be wrong. The opposite could happen. I could go in on Friday and my follicles are mature by some miracle, and the RE sets up an IUI for the following morning (Sat. March 15th). At this point, it's all up in the air. Everything hinges on the ultrasound results this Friday.
I finished taking the stims (drugs to induce ovulation) a couple of days ago. They have made me moody, irritable, tired, depressed, and nauseated. Soon after the IUI procedure, I will be put on progesterone, which mimics pregnancy symptoms in every way. I wouldn't mind if the symptoms were really caused by pregnancy, but there is no way to tell until the dreaded "2ww" or, "two week wait" is over.
I was very hopeful last cycle. I am not hopeful anymore. I don't understand how it is possible for 58 million sperm to miss two mature eggs. It doesn't make any sense to me. But, that being said, our RE did tell us that most couples go through an average of 3 - 4 IUI procedures before they are successful in getting pregnant. I hope that we get pregnant sooner than that. I don't want to find out what will happen to my psyche if we fail four times in a row. After four times, the doctor recommends IVF for infertile couples, and that costs $18,000. We don't have that kind of money, and it would be spent on a 50% chance of getting pregnant. The IUIs that we are doing now cost $1500 a piece, and they have a 15 - 17% chance of working each time. Normal, healthy fertile couples have a 20% chance of becoming pregnant during any given month. Without treatment, Jim and I have a LESS THAN 5% chance of becoming pregnant on our own.
I am having a lot of "bad days" emotionally these days. The hormones are making me crazy, and I am still mourning the children I have lost. I am stuck in the past, and scared for the future. It will crush me if we cannot conceive within the next three IUIs. I don't know what I will do.
~Kris~
There are two more days to go until I have to go for the follicle check ultrasound on Friday morning. I don't expect that my follicles will be mature by then, because it will only be Day 10, and follicles are not usually mature until AT LEAST Day 12. So, I am thinking that the doctor will ask me to inject myself on Sunday (Day 12) and that me and Jim will have to go in on Monday, March 17th for the actual IUI. That being said, I could always be wrong. The opposite could happen. I could go in on Friday and my follicles are mature by some miracle, and the RE sets up an IUI for the following morning (Sat. March 15th). At this point, it's all up in the air. Everything hinges on the ultrasound results this Friday.
I finished taking the stims (drugs to induce ovulation) a couple of days ago. They have made me moody, irritable, tired, depressed, and nauseated. Soon after the IUI procedure, I will be put on progesterone, which mimics pregnancy symptoms in every way. I wouldn't mind if the symptoms were really caused by pregnancy, but there is no way to tell until the dreaded "2ww" or, "two week wait" is over.
I was very hopeful last cycle. I am not hopeful anymore. I don't understand how it is possible for 58 million sperm to miss two mature eggs. It doesn't make any sense to me. But, that being said, our RE did tell us that most couples go through an average of 3 - 4 IUI procedures before they are successful in getting pregnant. I hope that we get pregnant sooner than that. I don't want to find out what will happen to my psyche if we fail four times in a row. After four times, the doctor recommends IVF for infertile couples, and that costs $18,000. We don't have that kind of money, and it would be spent on a 50% chance of getting pregnant. The IUIs that we are doing now cost $1500 a piece, and they have a 15 - 17% chance of working each time. Normal, healthy fertile couples have a 20% chance of becoming pregnant during any given month. Without treatment, Jim and I have a LESS THAN 5% chance of becoming pregnant on our own.
I am having a lot of "bad days" emotionally these days. The hormones are making me crazy, and I am still mourning the children I have lost. I am stuck in the past, and scared for the future. It will crush me if we cannot conceive within the next three IUIs. I don't know what I will do.
~Kris~
Thursday, March 6, 2008
ROUND 2
I had an appointment with my RE today. I had to have an ultrasound check of my ovaries to make sure that there are no lingering cysts from the previous cycle. I didn't have to have an ultrasound last month, because I had not been on fertility medicines in my previous cycles, and the fertility medications are what can cause the cysts to occur. The extra ultrasound adds an extra $415 to the already weighty price of the IUI process.
The doctor found my ovaries to be clear of all cysts. She said that I am "good to go" for ROUND 2 of IUI. So, here's the schedule, as best as I can tell:
Friday, March 14th = 9:30 AM Follicle Check
(Somewhere between) Saturday, March 15th - Monday, March 17th = IUI procedure
(Peg, if you're reading this, we MAY not be able to go with you to Milledgeville if the IUI happens on the 15th. I'll keep you posted.)
Home Pregnancy Test Allowed, According to our RE = Tuesday, April 8th
Home Pregnancy Test Allowed, According to ME = Tuesday, April 1st!!!! HA HA HA HA!
On a more personal note, I am REALLY rooting for this month to be our month, because if we have to delve into May, then we will be treading on the time that I was pregnant with Katie last year, and I REALLY don't want to be going through IUI and missing my angel Katie at the same time. Anniversaries of losses are really hard, and I don't want to have to go through that without Baby D "on board". You see, women who have experienced miscarriages have two dates solidified in their minds forever - the date that they miscarried, AND the date that their child WOULD have been born. Women who have had miscarriages hope like mad that they are able to conceive prior to the date that their baby would have been due. If, for whatever reason, they are unable to attain that goal, then the next goal is to be pregnant by the time that the child was miscarried. Katie was born into heaven on May 26, 2007. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be pregnant by then. I am HOPING and PRAYING that THIS will be IT.
Please, please, please, please PRAY!!!!!!!
~Kris~
The doctor found my ovaries to be clear of all cysts. She said that I am "good to go" for ROUND 2 of IUI. So, here's the schedule, as best as I can tell:
Friday, March 14th = 9:30 AM Follicle Check
(Somewhere between) Saturday, March 15th - Monday, March 17th = IUI procedure
(Peg, if you're reading this, we MAY not be able to go with you to Milledgeville if the IUI happens on the 15th. I'll keep you posted.)
Home Pregnancy Test Allowed, According to our RE = Tuesday, April 8th
Home Pregnancy Test Allowed, According to ME = Tuesday, April 1st!!!! HA HA HA HA!
On a more personal note, I am REALLY rooting for this month to be our month, because if we have to delve into May, then we will be treading on the time that I was pregnant with Katie last year, and I REALLY don't want to be going through IUI and missing my angel Katie at the same time. Anniversaries of losses are really hard, and I don't want to have to go through that without Baby D "on board". You see, women who have experienced miscarriages have two dates solidified in their minds forever - the date that they miscarried, AND the date that their child WOULD have been born. Women who have had miscarriages hope like mad that they are able to conceive prior to the date that their baby would have been due. If, for whatever reason, they are unable to attain that goal, then the next goal is to be pregnant by the time that the child was miscarried. Katie was born into heaven on May 26, 2007. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be pregnant by then. I am HOPING and PRAYING that THIS will be IT.
Please, please, please, please PRAY!!!!!!!
~Kris~
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Overwhelming Grief
I am having a really difficult time today. I have wanted to cry so many times throughout the day. It is really hard to work around 14 very lovely growing baby bumps. My co-worker came in today in her first maternity outfit. Everyone noticed today that she is starting to show. I was forced to hear over and over, "Wow, you've really popped out now, haven't you?", in reference to her small 16 week baby bump. I wanted to flee. I wanted to run out of the building. It's too bad that I could get fired over such an offense.
All day today, people casually asked me, "How are you doing?" I kept thinking, "They don't REALLY want to know." It reminded me of when I miscarried Katie. People harmlessly would ask me that question, and I would burst into tears. I wanted to say, "I have just lost my daughter", but I was powerless to say anything. Most of them wouldn't even consider a 7 week old fetus a "daughter", but I did. She is still my daughter, and she is waiting for me to hold her in heaven. She is perfect there - a true angel.
I miss my Katie. I miss all the babies I have lost. Katie would have been 8 weeks old this week. I would still be on maternity leave with her. I would be at home, nursing, feeding, clothing, and loving my precious girl. Instead, I am suffering worse than I have ever suffered in my life. The pain of the past year has been harder for me than the worst thing that has happened to me in my life thus far - the death of my own Dad. And even that event only happened 2 1/2 years ago. I feel like I am cursed. It's much worse than that, actually. I feel like I am not a "real" woman. I can't do the thing that nature intended for me to do - reproduce. And I know that it is not Jim's fault - it is only because of me that we are unable to conceive. I feel like a complete loser. I am broken.
I just want to quit hurting. The constant turmoil and constant hope that comes with trying to conceive over and over again is more than I can take. And yet, we're doing it again. If only I were in my 20s - I could stop for a while - take a break. But no, I had to be in my 30s - and the doctors are convinced that I only have 2 more "good years" left in me before I spiral into the world of "Advanced Maternal Age". Two years. That's LESS time than we have been trying to have a baby. I wonder if we will make it...
Some people have been telling me to stop trying. Some people have been saying to me that "God will allow you to have a child in HIS time." That's so easy for people to say. It is so SIMPLE for someone to look at me and say, "It will happen in God's own time". If you know me, and you are reading this, then please NEVER say that to me. God may have His own time, but I am not with God. I don't know what God's time is. Do you?
I don't think that I can possibly feel lower than I feel right now. I know that I will eventually come out of this funk, but I also know that I may not come out of this funk with a baby in my arms. I may never get there. I might not ever have a "Baby D". It may not happen. Just the thought of not ever seeing "Baby D" is so overwhelming that I have to stop and wait for the tears to subside. I don't understand why Jim and I have to go through all of this for the chance to conceive a child. It just isn't fair.
~Kris~
All day today, people casually asked me, "How are you doing?" I kept thinking, "They don't REALLY want to know." It reminded me of when I miscarried Katie. People harmlessly would ask me that question, and I would burst into tears. I wanted to say, "I have just lost my daughter", but I was powerless to say anything. Most of them wouldn't even consider a 7 week old fetus a "daughter", but I did. She is still my daughter, and she is waiting for me to hold her in heaven. She is perfect there - a true angel.
I miss my Katie. I miss all the babies I have lost. Katie would have been 8 weeks old this week. I would still be on maternity leave with her. I would be at home, nursing, feeding, clothing, and loving my precious girl. Instead, I am suffering worse than I have ever suffered in my life. The pain of the past year has been harder for me than the worst thing that has happened to me in my life thus far - the death of my own Dad. And even that event only happened 2 1/2 years ago. I feel like I am cursed. It's much worse than that, actually. I feel like I am not a "real" woman. I can't do the thing that nature intended for me to do - reproduce. And I know that it is not Jim's fault - it is only because of me that we are unable to conceive. I feel like a complete loser. I am broken.
I just want to quit hurting. The constant turmoil and constant hope that comes with trying to conceive over and over again is more than I can take. And yet, we're doing it again. If only I were in my 20s - I could stop for a while - take a break. But no, I had to be in my 30s - and the doctors are convinced that I only have 2 more "good years" left in me before I spiral into the world of "Advanced Maternal Age". Two years. That's LESS time than we have been trying to have a baby. I wonder if we will make it...
Some people have been telling me to stop trying. Some people have been saying to me that "God will allow you to have a child in HIS time." That's so easy for people to say. It is so SIMPLE for someone to look at me and say, "It will happen in God's own time". If you know me, and you are reading this, then please NEVER say that to me. God may have His own time, but I am not with God. I don't know what God's time is. Do you?
I don't think that I can possibly feel lower than I feel right now. I know that I will eventually come out of this funk, but I also know that I may not come out of this funk with a baby in my arms. I may never get there. I might not ever have a "Baby D". It may not happen. Just the thought of not ever seeing "Baby D" is so overwhelming that I have to stop and wait for the tears to subside. I don't understand why Jim and I have to go through all of this for the chance to conceive a child. It just isn't fair.
~Kris~
Monday, March 3, 2008
No "Baby D" This Time
I am stunned. I didn't even get a chance to test. :-(
Jim is unable to talk about it. He had such high hopes. I had hope, but, after seeing so many negative tests over the course of 3 1/2 years, I had grown accustomed to the disappointment. This really hurts. We have wasted our time and our money - and we have to do it all over again in just a few days. Tomorrow will be considered "Cycle Day 1" for me. I will have to take more Femara on Cycle Days 3-7. We will have an u/s scheduled for March 15th. March 15th is a Saturday, so, they may want to see me on the 14th, I'm not sure yet. I'll have to call the doctor tomorrow and ask. I have to get all of my other drugs refilled. Since our next IUI would likely fall on a weekend, I am not sure what the doctor is going to recommend. My feeling is that they will have us come in on the weekend, but I don't know for sure just yet.
Why can't we just be normal?
Why can't we just get pregnant like everyone else?
Why couldn't this have worked on our first try?
Why do we have to continually experience this pain of infertility over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?????
WHY???????????????????????????????????????????????????
Jim is unable to talk about it. He had such high hopes. I had hope, but, after seeing so many negative tests over the course of 3 1/2 years, I had grown accustomed to the disappointment. This really hurts. We have wasted our time and our money - and we have to do it all over again in just a few days. Tomorrow will be considered "Cycle Day 1" for me. I will have to take more Femara on Cycle Days 3-7. We will have an u/s scheduled for March 15th. March 15th is a Saturday, so, they may want to see me on the 14th, I'm not sure yet. I'll have to call the doctor tomorrow and ask. I have to get all of my other drugs refilled. Since our next IUI would likely fall on a weekend, I am not sure what the doctor is going to recommend. My feeling is that they will have us come in on the weekend, but I don't know for sure just yet.
Why can't we just be normal?
Why can't we just get pregnant like everyone else?
Why couldn't this have worked on our first try?
Why do we have to continually experience this pain of infertility over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?????
WHY???????????????????????????????????????????????????
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