Petrified......and not liking it.

I think that I am seriously losing my ability to keep worry out of the picture right now. My poor, poor Lenten offering is going up in smoke. (Sigh.) I am a little worried. I don't know if it is the progesterone (hormone) that I am on or not, but I am having a very hard time focusing on positive things. I keep thinking, "What if this IUI doesn't work?" instead of "What if this IUI DOES work"? I am feeling a little sorry for myself and somewhat bitter. I suppose that it is a really good thing that I am going on a Christian womens' retreat this weekend. Maybe that will give me some time to spend with God, and especially, ask forgiveness for all of this worrying that I have been doing. My Type A personality just does NOT like relinquishing control - and that is EXACTLY what you have to do in order to truly follow Christ - "let go, and let God". UGH. That is so hard, but Christ never said that following Him would be easy. He only promised us that if we follow Him, that we will never die. That's a pretty good deal, I'd say. So, I am praying for God to help me give Him back the control, because I am not strong enough to handle all of these emotions, with or without added hormones coursing through my veins.

SIX more days until I test. Lord, be with us. We're not supposed to test at all, per our doctor's orders. If it is negative, I will let y'all know, but, it could be a false negative. I'm not technically supposed to test until at least the 10th, and my blood test isn't scheduled until the 14th. So, I may be setting myself up for serious disappointment by testing too early.

If the home test is positive, I won't say so. You can either take a hint, or you can e-mail me or call me if you want to know. I will tell you in person, but I'm not going to write it here. I feel like I don't want people to know if I am pregnant, because we lost our precious "Katie" after only 7 weeks, and EVERYONE knew that we were pregnant then. The pain of having to tell EVERY single person in our lives that our miracle baby had gone on to be with Jesus was more than I could stand. It was especially difficult to tell our parents. I don't want to go through that pain again. I'd rather wait until I am over the first trimester, and then tell people. Heck, I'd love to wait until I am delivering in the hospital before I tell people, but I know that that isn't really feesible. (Smiles.) I won't KEEP it from anyone who ASKS, but I will keep it from this blog. If I am pregnant, you will notice very quickly that I will stop posting here for at least 12 weeks. (That's hard not to notice.)

If you want to pray for something, please pray that if Baby D is "here" right now, that he/she is safe and snug inside of me, with no chromosomal problems. Then, if you have a chance, please add a prayer that the PCOS that I have will not cause us to miscarry like it caused us to miscarry "Katie". People with PCOS have a 30% chance of miscarriage - that is 10% higher than the average. There is no way to prevent the miscarriages, and the doctors don't know why women with PCOS have a higher rate of miscarriage. My chances of conceiving are actually LOWER than my chances of miscarrying once I conceive. (YIKES!!!!!) I am on two drugs, "Prometrium" and "Metformin", both of which are said to help with the prevention of miscarriage, but it is not PROVEN. I am hoping that I will not have to walk down the miscarriage road again - it is not something that I think that I could handle emotionally, and the physical pain is not something that I want to endure again in this lifetime. If I do happen to experience a miscarriage, I will be blogging about that here.

Please pray for us. I have gotten to a point of anxiousness that I didn't think that I would allow myself to go - this has been stressful. I am so jealous of people who can just conceive on their own, with no problems or effort. It doesn't make sense to me why people who would be good parents can't just BE parents when they WANT to be parents. Instead, it is all about God's timing. He knows what's best, even when we don't. Come on, God, give me and Jim a break - please?

A Prayer for Baby D

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for all of the blessings that we have received so far in our journey through infertility. Thank you placing Georgia Reproductive Specialists in our pathway. Thank you for the opportunity that we have had to complete our first IUI. Thank you for providing the money for our first infertility procedure.

We know that you never promised us a child. We know that children are a gift from you. We don't expect you to grant us the joy of a new baby if it is not within Your will, but, we do humbly ask You for a child in Jesus's name. We would very much like to have a baby so that we can teach him/her about You and all of the wonders of Your creation. We will try to be understanding if having a baby is not in Your plan for us. We ask that if You don't desire us to have a child, that You would take the desire from our hearts, Lord, so that we will be able to focus our time and money in other directions.

If there really is a "Baby D" up there, God, we ask that you send Him/Her down to us, because we feel that we are ready to hold him/her on this side of heaven. Please say "Hi" to Dad, Baby Katie, Grandma & Grandpa, and Amanda for us. Give them hugs for us. We miss all of them so much! Tell Dad not to hog Baby D if he/she is up there. We want a turn, too! :-P

We ask that you be with our doctors and help them to give us the best treatment possible.

We ask these things in the name of the one who WAS, and IS, and IS TO COME...

Amen.

Baby on Board?

Well, we had our IUI done this morning. I had anticipated a lot of pain, but, much to my surprise, it was fairly painless. Jim's counts were five times higher than "average", and his motility was 96%, which is much better than average. The doctor even made a comment about how they look for counts in the 10 million range, and Jim's count was 58 million. Hopefully, Jim's numbers combined with my good-looking follicles from yesterday will equal a screaming bundle of joy in nine months.(Please, God!)

Jim and I were amazed that the IUI procedure took very little time. The doctor was trying to be very casual about the whole process, which was funny in itself. I don't think that I will ever forget that our doctor was sitting there chatting up a storm about how Brad Pitt, although easy on the eyes, is incredibly dense. She was trying to lighten the mood, I suppose, but - BRAD PITT?? Hopefully, Baby D will not have to know that he/she was (potentially) conceived while I was thinking about a man other than his/her father. (Sigh. Wink-wink.)

After the doctor left the room, I had to lay down on the table for a WHOLE ten minutes. The doctor said that laying down at all was not necessary, but at their practice, they have a "10 minute" ritual of laying down after an IUI. HA! They even had a little egg timer that had a SPERM as the time indicator. Jim and I got a big laugh out of that. We were told to leave when the "sperm timer" went off. Hilarious. The process took all of 20 minutes - that's $55.00 a minute, for those of you who are keeping track! (WOW.)

Perhaps the most disappointing thing about the appointment was finding out that I will not be scheduled for a pregnancy test. As a matter of fact, they don't even want me to take a home pregnancy test, because I had a shot of HcG yesterday to induce ovulation, and HcG can cause a false positive on a home pregnancy test. So, I just have to wait indefinitely. The doctor did pencil me in for a blood test on March 14th, so we will know for SURE by then if we are or aren't pregnant. But, as the receptionist said, "You will know before then anyway." So, there ya go. I am helpless to take a test, and I have to sit and wait for 24 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is THE day!!!!!

I went in for my ultrasound this morning to check the size of my follicles. The RE said that mature follicles are anywhere between 16 mm - 24 mm. I had one follicle on my right ovary that was 21.24 mm. I had one follicle on my left ovary that was 15.94 mm.

Both follicles were considered mature, and the doctor gave me a shot of HcG to induce ovulation. She said that the shot would take effect within 24 - 36 hours. Our IUI is scheduled exactly 24 hours after the shot was given, at 10:20 AM EST.

I am so nervous. I am hoping that the follicle that is barely big enough to be considered mature will contain a mature egg. If that is the case, then we will have TWO eggs that are potential "Baby Ds" instead of just one. It would be really nice to know that we have "double" the chances for this procedure to work!

I took the morning off of work tomorrow. I am really excited about the prospect of this working. I will be so devastated if it doesn't work, but I know that we will try at least three more attempts if this one fails. I am trying not to think about that, though. I am trying to just stay really positive and think that I am going to be pregnant very soon! If we did get pregnant from this IUI, then our approximate due date would be November 14, 2008! (A Thanksgiving baby!)

Please pray that our IUI will work. Please pray for a Thanksgiving miracle!

~Kris~

Day 4 of Femara.....and a DOG!

I am on Day 4 of taking Femara. Today, I woke up with a HUGE headache. I took a decongestant and 2 Extra Strength Tylenol - they didn't touch the pain. I took an Aleve - NOTHING. I took another Aleve a few hours later, and I am starting to be able to think again, FINALLY. I have been nauseated, and did NOT want to eat breakfast AT ALL, but I had to eat so that I could take my Metformin. I just knew that I was going to lose breakfast before my first class walked through the door, but, thankfully, I didn't.

Today at work, two more women announced their pregnancies. That brings our school pregancy count up to 14 women. FOURTEEN! I am not sure whether to feel thankful that there is "something in our water", or terrified that now that there are 14 pregnant women here that, statistically, I might not get to be #15. It bothers me that there are so many women here that have beautiful, swelling bellies. Seeing the evidence of miracles all around me makes me wonder, "Will that ever be me?" Will people be talking a few months from from now about how crazy it is that there are 15 teachers pregnant at my school? I wonder....

Because we have wanted a baby for so long, Jim and I decided this weekend to adopt a dog. A dog is nothing like a baby, but it sure can lift your spirits! We were walking in Discover Mills Mall on Sunday, and we realized that there was a barking racket coming from around the corner. As we turned, we saw a shop with a sign that said, "Gwinnett County Humane Society". As we walked into the store, we saw all kinds of dogs and cats. One puppy had just been released from its cage into the loving arms of its new owner, and all of the other dogs were yelping for their freedom from behind the confines of their crates. I was not looking to adopt a dog by walking into the store, I just happen to love animals, and wanted to say "hello" to the cutie-pies. We have four cats at home, after all. At first, I was looking at a beagle, but, when I heard him hollering after the puppy, I said to myself, "Ummmmm....NO!" He was SO loud!

Then, Jim saw the piercing light blue eyes of an Alaskan Husky/Shepherd mix peering at him from behind the bars of his crate. The tag on the crate said, "Murphy", and "3years old". His eyes were so light that the irises appeared WHITE. He was exactly the kind of dog that Jim has always been attracted to. Jim looked up at me with pleading eyes. I said, "Ask the lady behind the counter if there is any other information about him." Indeed, there was. "Murphy" had been owned by a Hispanic family with 5 children. He was loved, but was not well-attended. He continually escaped from his former owner's home, and was given over to the Humane Society. Next, he lived with a man for about 5 months. The man liked Murphy, but he said that Murphy "had too much energy". The Humane Society worker explained that Murphy simply wasn't the dog for this man because the man did not have a fenced backyard. Murphy HAS to run. Once he gets out the bulk of his energy, he is a great dog inside. I can't imagine what he'd be like inside if he wasn't able to run freely in a backyard everyday!

We signed some paperwork and took Murphy outside of the mall with his foster Mom. She told us all about him and his habits. We spent time playing with him. Murphy's foster Mom made arrangements to bring Murphy over to our house the next day so that we would have some of Murphy's personal affects, and so that we'd have a day to get ready for him. Also, she wanted to see how our four cats would respond to Murphy.

Murphy arrived on Sunday evening. His foster Mom brought a huge container of food for him, several bags of dog treats, all of Murphy's favorite toys, his dog tags, and the paperwork that we needed to fill out in order to adopt him. We played with Murphy both inside the house and outside the house. He was SO excited! He ran everywhere, and couldn't stop panting for the longest time. At first, I was so afraid that he was going to be that hyper forever, but, after a day in our home, he has settled down quite a bit. (Thank goodness!)

We never saw him react to the cats - they went into hiding, and would not come out. We have since put up a baby gate in our hallway so that the cats will be free to walk up and down the steps to their food and water without the fear of the dog being there. They haven't figured out that the gate makes them safe. I am hoping that they will figure this out very soon! Poor kitties. We still bring them up to sleep on our bed at night. We are trying really hard to make this as normal a situation for them as possible. (Like having a dog is normal to them - NOT.)It is an adjustment, and I am sure that with time, they will be able to find a way to cope with life in our home with an energetic dog.

I love having a dog. I am not a dog person, but there are definite benefits to owning a dog. The thing that I like most about owning a dog is that dogs are needy. They need you to go out and play with them. They need you to give them attention. They thrive on pleasing their owner. They come when you call them, and are there for you whenever you need them - they love you no matter what! I didn't think that I needed a dog until I got a dog!

The bad things about owning a dog are that sister's hubby will probably not be able to come over anymore, because he is allergic to dogs. I didn't think about this aspect of owning a dog until after we had the dog. Many people are allergic to dogs. There are probably lots of people that we really like who will not be able to come over anymore. The only other bad thing about owning a dog is that you can't leave a dog unattended for a long time. We can't leave at 8:00 AM in the morning and then be able to return at 1:00 AM. Those days are gone. I don't think that we will be able to take any more day trips that don't include Murphy, or, at least require a dog-sitter. Trying to stay overnight anywhere will become a serious issue. I hadn't realized how often we go out and stay out late!

A new dog owner,
~Kris~

Thoughts after 3 days of Femara

Hello everyone!

I am on my third day of the ovulation-stimulating drug called Femara. After three days, I have noticed the following things:

1. I am dizzy.

2. I get hungry more quickly than I did before, and my blood sugar drops faster.

3. My ovaries are in a constant state of "twitch". I can feel something going on in the areas where my ovaries are. It isn't really painful, or even annoying, it is just "there".

I called the pharmacist today because I suspected that my doctor called in a prescription for Prometrium. She had. I will go pick it up today. Prometrium is progesterone. Progesterone has been controversial in the "prevention" of miscarriages. Some doctors do not believe that taking Prometrium after conception will have any effect on whether or not a woman will miscarry. My doctor is one of those. I begged for this Prometrium - I told my doctor that it was necessary for my mental health. She relented from her stance that it doesn't make any difference and called-in the prescription. (She didn't tell me that she was going to do this - I just guessed. That's why I called the pharmacist. I was REALLY happy to hear that it was there! YAY!)

This afternoon I received my needle kit and HcG. Opening the box was so daunting. I looked at all of the packaging and just blinked and blinked. Inside the FedEx box, there was a biohazard container, syringes, needles, the human growth hormone (HcG), alcohol swabs, gauze with tape, and a leaflet on how to dispose of needles properly. For a fee of $25 my doctor said that I can come in and have the nurse do the injection for me. That $25 is looking better and better to me! All of these bottles and needles look SOOOO confusing!!!!!

My follicle-check ultrasound is a week from today. Our IUI is likely about 8 - 11 days away. Everything hinges on whether or not this Femara is doing its job. By the feel of my ovaries, I'd say that it's definitely doing SOMETHING. I hope that it is doing what it is supposed to be doing!

Please continue to send prayers to our Lord that Jim and I will only have to go through this process ONCE. It is both financially and emotionally draining. I would really appreciate your continued prayers! Please pray that we will conceive a healthy baby that will be born at term, and with no complications! Thank you!!!

~Kris~

Our First Treatment Protocol

Hi everyone!

Today, I went to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to have some bloodwork drawn. The test will measure my FSH, or Follicle Stimulating Hormone. In layman's teminology, the doctor will better be able to tell if I have a higher or lower number of eggs left in my ovaries. I am not sure when I will find out the results of the test, but the nurse said that she'd call me with the results. I did find out that my blood type is AB+. (I never knew that before!)

Starting tomorrow, 2/9/08, I will be taking a fertility medicine called Letrozole. My pharmacy gave me the generic form of the drug, which is called Femara. I have to take two pills a day in addition to the two pills a day I take of Metformin (the generic form of Glucophage.) The Metformin regulates my insulin resistance, and helps my metabolism to break down sugar effectively. The Femara will cause my ovaries to produce follicles, which will eventually produce eggs.

On February 18th, after the Femara has had time to work, I will go in at 10:00 AM for an ultrasound to check the follicles on my ovaries. The follicles are little sacs of fluid that surround an egg. If there are any follicles on my ovaries on the 18th, the doctor will measure them and see whether or not they are "mature". If the follicle(s) is/are mature on the 18th, then the doctor will show me how to inject myself with a pregnancy hormone called HcG (human growth hormone). The HcG will tell the follicle(s) on my ovaries to release their egg(s), and then, the following day, Jim and I will go into the office for our IUI procedure. We won't know the exact date of our IUI until after the ultrasound is completed on the 18th. If the follicles are immature, we will have to wait a while until the follicles have had a chance to get bigger.

Right now, I am trying not to think about how much effort this whole process takes. I am trying to think about taking my medications on time, because, if the pills are not taken EACH DAY at the SAME TIME, then the Femara may not produce follicles effectively. (So much hinges on my consistency with taking medicines!) It's a little bit of pressure, but I can handle it.

Jim and I are praying every day for a healthy, full-term, non-eventful pregnancy. We hope that it only takes ONE treatment to conceive "Baby D", but we have heard that the average number of attempts that this treatment takes is four. I hope that we are one of the lucky ones who gets a miracle on the first try!! (Please, God!)

Please join us in our prayers.

Love in Christ,

~Kris~