Overwhelming Grief

I am having a really difficult time today. I have wanted to cry so many times throughout the day. It is really hard to work around 14 very lovely growing baby bumps. My co-worker came in today in her first maternity outfit. Everyone noticed today that she is starting to show. I was forced to hear over and over, "Wow, you've really popped out now, haven't you?", in reference to her small 16 week baby bump. I wanted to flee. I wanted to run out of the building. It's too bad that I could get fired over such an offense.

All day today, people casually asked me, "How are you doing?" I kept thinking, "They don't REALLY want to know." It reminded me of when I miscarried Katie. People harmlessly would ask me that question, and I would burst into tears. I wanted to say, "I have just lost my daughter", but I was powerless to say anything. Most of them wouldn't even consider a 7 week old fetus a "daughter", but I did. She is still my daughter, and she is waiting for me to hold her in heaven. She is perfect there - a true angel.

I miss my Katie. I miss all the babies I have lost. Katie would have been 8 weeks old this week. I would still be on maternity leave with her. I would be at home, nursing, feeding, clothing, and loving my precious girl. Instead, I am suffering worse than I have ever suffered in my life. The pain of the past year has been harder for me than the worst thing that has happened to me in my life thus far - the death of my own Dad. And even that event only happened 2 1/2 years ago. I feel like I am cursed. It's much worse than that, actually. I feel like I am not a "real" woman. I can't do the thing that nature intended for me to do - reproduce. And I know that it is not Jim's fault - it is only because of me that we are unable to conceive. I feel like a complete loser. I am broken.

I just want to quit hurting. The constant turmoil and constant hope that comes with trying to conceive over and over again is more than I can take. And yet, we're doing it again. If only I were in my 20s - I could stop for a while - take a break. But no, I had to be in my 30s - and the doctors are convinced that I only have 2 more "good years" left in me before I spiral into the world of "Advanced Maternal Age". Two years. That's LESS time than we have been trying to have a baby. I wonder if we will make it...

Some people have been telling me to stop trying. Some people have been saying to me that "God will allow you to have a child in HIS time." That's so easy for people to say. It is so SIMPLE for someone to look at me and say, "It will happen in God's own time". If you know me, and you are reading this, then please NEVER say that to me. God may have His own time, but I am not with God. I don't know what God's time is. Do you?

I don't think that I can possibly feel lower than I feel right now. I know that I will eventually come out of this funk, but I also know that I may not come out of this funk with a baby in my arms. I may never get there. I might not ever have a "Baby D". It may not happen. Just the thought of not ever seeing "Baby D" is so overwhelming that I have to stop and wait for the tears to subside. I don't understand why Jim and I have to go through all of this for the chance to conceive a child. It just isn't fair.

~Kris~